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She Left Me!

Updated: Aug 23, 2021

Today I received a notification on FB about my memories. I look at them every day but today’s memory was special and very dear to my heart. It was a picture of the last time I saw my biological mommy. Our last picture together on August 25, 2001. I never had the mother/daughter relationship I wanted with her, the love I have for her you would have thought we were extremely close. In my heart and mind, we have a bond that no one can break. I don’t know much about her, I only grew up knowing who she was but I didn’t grow up with her.

We lived in Louisiana, well…correction, they lived in Louisiana. I was just born there. After Medea died, my grandmother was the monarch in our family. We moved to Denver, Colorado where I was raised. I guess mommy wasn’t making the best decisions because I had to get adopted. She wasn’t taking Medea’s death well, her lifestyle shifted from a business owner to drug abuse. I was a baby/toddler I don’t remember a lot. As time passed by, the desire for her grew stronger and stronger. I didn’t see her often but when I did it was just her and I in the entire world. She was all that mattered to me. I didn’t care about her lifestyle, I didn’t care about her giving me up for adoption. The only thing that mattered was that moment. Her holding me into her bosom happy to see me. Her smile matched the sun as it shines. Her laugh grabbed the attention of the birds in the sky. My mama, the most beautiful woman in the world.

I remember one time I was walking to the penny candy store and I saw her, living her lifestyle. I didn’t care what she looked like, what she smelled like or the cruel kids saying, “That’s yo mama,” as I ran crying, "MAMA… MAMA…" to hug her as tight and as long as I could. I remember it like yesterday. It was on the corner of York and 34th St., the moment didn’t last long but I hold on to it as if it did. Over the years she started turning her life around by this time I have moved to Texas, in my early/mid 20’s. We started developing a relationship over the phone because she was on papers and unable to leave the state. Our relationship had been pretty consistent for 2 years. She called me one night on her way home from college. She said “M, I just got home from school. Ima get ready for bed, I love you talk to you tomorrow.” I replied, “Okay mommy, I love you too. Good night.”

At 3 am I get a phone call, it’s my cousin, and my heart dropped and everything became silent as I heard the news. My mommy was laying in ICU on life support. The worst part is the Doctor wants me to make the decision to take her off life support. You can only imagine the thoughts running through my head… "I just talked to my mommy… What happened? How is she on life support?" The Doctor said, “Ms. Mignon, your mother had an aneurysm. Her brain was without oxygen for at least 15 minutes. When the paramedics got her to the hospital she was a vegetable. Her quality of life will never be the same. I’m so sorry. I understand you are in Texas. When can you come to Denver to remove her off life support?”

I was extremely numb. How could this be? Someone I have wanted all my life, I had to make the choice of letting her go. Is this the feeling she felt when she had to let me go? Now I understand it wasn’t what she wanted but it was the best decision for her to make so I can be in a better place.

I do question the decision I made. If I only had the Faith and Spiritual fight I have now back then, would Saundra Marie Smack-Williams be here? We know all things work together for the good of those who love God; those who are called according to His purpose.

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