It's Not Your Fault

I can’t help but think these different situations were my fault...

I remember I was in my room playing with my Barbie dolls on the top bunk bed. My cousin I had not seen in a while was visiting from him his group home. He walked in saying my name with so much excitement. I was excited to see him as well, due to his mental condition I didn’t see him often. This time when he came to visit it ended very differently. All I can remember is wondering if he was touching me like this because of his mental condition? If I tell anyone would he get in trouble?

I had my eyes closed making up a game out of boredom. I thought it would be fun to walk down the stairs with my eyes closed as I guessed when I’d get to the last step to the basement. That was not a good idea, as I was walking down with my eyes closed my oldest sister was walking up the stairs. It was a head-on collision causing her to fall down the stairs backward. There was absolutely nothing I could do, just watch her fall and hit the concrete floor. I couldn’t believe my eyes, this can’t be happening. All I remember after that is the first responders on the staircase putting her on a stretcher to take her to the hospital.

I don’t remember visiting her in the hospital or how long she was in there. She had Down syndrome so there were a lot of tests she had to go through… Blood work, MRI’s, CT’s, and X-rays to name a few. Turns out she broke her C1 – C2. At that point, our lives changed forever. She could no longer walk, feed herself, or even talk. She lost her voice because they had to but a trac in her throat, I really don’t know why, I was too young to fully understand and I was still shocked at what my stupid game did. Can you imagine the self-blame I put myself through? Hanging out with middle school friends was no longer a thought, the least I could do was learn how to take care of my sister since this was totally my fault. I can’t remember anyone in my family blaming me but as I look back there was definitely a shift in the atmosphere...

I came to the house to get something or to relax before having to be at my next destination. I pull up and no one is home… SIGH, I can relax!! As I am in the house, in my room, I hear someone come in the door, trying to ignore it and elongate the moment alone he calls my name and knocks on the door. I open the door, he said, “can you come out here so I can talk with you?” I said, “Sure” trying to hide the uncomfortable feeling and act “normal”… This is my father I should not feel like this, right?

He starts with, I just want to apologize for not being there or fully walking in my father roll with you and your sister. I love my girls but she makes things difficult when it comes to you two.” As he is talking he reaches for a hug, I hug my father kind of sideways bc I am uncomfortable. All of a sudden he’s holding me in his arms, I feel something pressing against me, all I can think is I don’t want to be here, I need to leave. To avoid making a scene and to make sure my mind is not playing tricks on me, I lay my head in his chest with my head down to confirm with my eyes I feel what I think I felt… I was right, his manhood was pressing against. With fear and discuss I calmly play it off pushing away while looking at my watch saying “it’s ok, I understand… making up some reason to leave now or I will be late. With no fight I was able to leave, I hurried out the front door, jumped in my car drove down the street in shock. Did I really feel that and why? I have never been or dressed inappropriately around him, why would he be aroused by his daughter?