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It's Not Your Fault

Updated: Aug 23, 2021

I can’t help but think these different situations were my fault...

I remember I was in my room playing with my Barbie dolls on the top bunk bed. My cousin I had not seen in a while was visiting from him his group home. He walked in saying my name with so much excitement. I was excited to see him as well, due to his mental condition I didn’t see him often. This time when he came to visit it ended very differently. All I can remember is wondering if he was touching me like this because of his mental condition? If I tell anyone would he get in trouble?

I had my eyes closed making up a game out of boredom. I thought it would be fun to walk down the stairs with my eyes closed as I guessed when I’d get to the last step to the basement. That was not a good idea, as I was walking down with my eyes closed my oldest sister was walking up the stairs. It was a head-on collision causing her to fall down the stairs backward. There was absolutely nothing I could do, just watch her fall and hit the concrete floor. I couldn’t believe my eyes, this can’t be happening. All I remember after that is the first responders on the staircase putting her on a stretcher to take her to the hospital.

I don’t remember visiting her in the hospital or how long she was in there. She had Down syndrome so there were a lot of tests she had to go through… Blood work, MRI’s, CT’s, and X-rays to name a few. Turns out she broke her C1 – C2. At that point, our lives changed forever. She could no longer walk, feed herself, or even talk. She lost her voice because they had to but a trac in her throat, I really don’t know why, I was too young to fully understand and I was still shocked at what my stupid game did. Can you imagine the self-blame I put myself through? Hanging out with middle school friends was no longer a thought, the least I could do was learn how to take care of my sister since this was totally my fault. I can’t remember anyone in my family blaming me but as I look back there was definitely a shift in the atmosphere...

I came to the house to get something or to relax before having to be at my next destination. I pull up and no one is home… SIGH, I can relax!! As I am in the house, in my room, I hear someone come in the door, trying to ignore it and elongate the moment alone he calls my name and knocks on the door. I open the door, he said, “can you come out here so I can talk with you?” I said, “Sure” trying to hide the uncomfortable feeling and act “normal”… This is my father I should not feel like this, right?

He starts with, I just want to apologize for not being there or fully walking in my father roll with you and your sister. I love my girls but she makes things difficult when it comes to you two.” As he is talking he reaches for a hug, I hug my father kind of sideways bc I am uncomfortable. All of a sudden he’s holding me in his arms, I feel something pressing against me, all I can think is I don’t want to be here, I need to leave. To avoid making a scene and to make sure my mind is not playing tricks on me, I lay my head in his chest with my head down to confirm with my eyes I feel what I think I felt… I was right, his manhood was pressing against. With fear and discuss I calmly play it off pushing away while looking at my watch saying “it’s ok, I understand… making up some reason to leave now or I will be late. With no fight I was able to leave, I hurried out the front door, jumped in my car drove down the street in shock. Did I really feel that and why? I have never been or dressed inappropriately around him, why would he be aroused by his daughter?

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Antoinette Blackmon
Antoinette Blackmon
2021년 3월 19일

Queen these situations were not your fault. Men no matter the capacity mentally know what’s not appropriate. You were never at fault for someone else’s actions, you can only control your actions and reactions! As a child we do things that we see as games and often without regard knowing we did this a certain way before. It was not your intent to harm anyone and the shift was mood was the adjustment to what was to become a new normal inside the household. I pray every broken place in your heart and mind is restored and made new. God makes you whole and filled with his love. You are worthy, in Jesus Name! Walk in peace and know you are…

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